How To Handle Your Jealous Spouse

The one thing you cannot do is "solve" your mate's jealousy problem for him or her, but you can set boundaries to help keep them in check.

When you live with a jealous spouse, life can be frustrating and exasperating. You may feel that your partner's jealousy gets in the way time and time again. What can be done when it's your partner who seems to be frequently controlled by jealousy?

Contrary to popular belief, there's actually a lot that you can do. The one thing you cannot do is "solve" your mate's jealousy problem for him or her. As much as you'd like to force your partner to just "get over being jealous," this is nearly impossible.

However, you can set boundaries with your spouse that will support his or her efforts to overcome jealousy. These boundaries can also help you two to move closer together again.

Here are 3 useful tips for setting boundaries with your jealous spouse:

• Set boundaries with an awareness of your own tendencies: You know best if you truly are innocent in this situation. Be very honest with yourself and own up to it if you are behaving in ways that could be triggering jealousy in your partner and undermining trust in your relationship. This isn't about you "taking the blame." Instead, this is about you recognizing any tendencies that you have that might be playing a role in the tension and conflict that's present in your marriage. Do you like to flirt with others? As harmless and innocent as your motives may be to you, it's probable that your mate does not see this as harmless or innocent. Do you appreciate looking at and maybe commenting on attractive people's bodies? You may know that you're only looking, but your partner does not know this. When you look "too long" or "too longingly" at others, it can most certainly lead to jealousy and insecurity within your mate. You may not even be aware of all of the ways that you are contributing to the jealousy. Take some time to really evaluate your habits and see if there are ways you might be fueling jealousy in your mate without meaning to.
• Set boundaries with love and kindness: You can set boundaries with your jealous partner with love and kindness. Come to the discussion as calm as you can. Be clear about what you will do and what you won't do. Remember to speak from your own vantage point instead of assuming what your partner wants or how he or she feels.
• Set boundaries knowing that you cannot "fix" your partner's jealousy for him or her:  As we said above, your partner's jealousy is not something you can "fix" or "solve" for him or her. You can be honest about how it feels to be wrongly accused. You can be open about how much you'd like the two of you to communicate without arguing. You can let your spouse know that you are willing to support his or her efforts to overcome jealousy in specific ways. These ways shouldn't include you taking the sole "blame" or you giving in to whatever your partner wants just to avoid a fight. Let your mate know that you are taking ownership for your role in the disconnection between you two. You can also let your spouse know that you want to work as a team as he or she faces the jealousy and begins to let it go.